I’ve been single for the past six months and have had a chance to really dive deep into my thoughts, my own interests and my purpose in life. Not to say that this is not accomplishable if you are in a relationship; however, the type of partnerships that I had previously been in, I gave more to them than what I got back.
I have no animosity towards any of my exes. I love them all dearly and I wish them well. They are fantastic people and they have helped shape me into who I am today. I don’t communicate with most of them, which I sometimes get sad about because I believe if you have shared a beautiful journey with another person, there is no need to be spiteful or resentful towards them. Every relationship has an expiration date.
My last relationship, which ended in June, solidified some of the biggest lessons that I had previously touched on the surface. Part of the reason that it did is because my former partner was well-known and sometimes, with fame comes disorder, toxicity and people attracted to the idea of a facade. Although I still have love for this man, it is very clear that we are not meant to be together for the long haul, which is fine. Not everything significant and life-changing requires long-term commitment. Sometimes people and things come into our lives to teach us a thing or two and then we part ways.
Through these past relationships, I learnt many things. In most of them, I played a role. Whatever title I played came with a sacrifice, of myself. I used to believe that I needed to sacrifice a part of who I was/am to be loved- which is a big lie.
True love begins with acceptance and now that I have found that kind of love for myself, I would be honoured to share it with another.
Here are the 4 roles that I am done playing in relationships:
1. The ‘perfect one’.
It was on my fifteenth birthday that my father called me to tell me that he was on his way and never showed up. Not only did he not show up but I never saw him ever again. He decided that he didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore. This pain I hid for many years in the form of needing to be perfect because, subconsciously, I had thought that I was the reason why he left. I kept what had happened a secret from my close friends because their lives seemed perfect and I was afraid that if I broke the ‘perfect’ mould, I wouldn’t be lovable to anyone. This belief is what I held onto until recently. I believed that if I showed anyone my tears or let my guard down about my true emotions and pain, they would run. Contrary to what I had believed, it does the opposite.
Creating a mould of perfection of who I am, the person that I should be with and, how we should look to everyone else is a lie. One that is not worth living because while we put up facades, we sacrifice ourselves, relationships and the people that we love.
2. The ‘martyr’.
Maybe this is middle-child syndrome or being a child of divorce; however, I have frequently felt like I am the one that everyone needs to rely on. This martyr-type of thinking attracted and entered into relationships with people who were comfortable with dumping their load onto me because I would take it. I would get dumped on, over-and-over, until I would leave or break up with my partner.
I used to believe that true love meant being someone else’s saviour; however, I have come to understand and learn that we are the only ones who can ever really save ourselves. I can support, encourage, influence and leave an impression on somebody else. But, if that person doesn’t want to change, I can’t force them.
3. The ‘cool’ one.
Even though I am very feminine, I have always been inclined to male-driven and competitive activities. As a result, I had a lot of male friends, many of them I would end up dating. Because we were formerly friends, they felt comfortable with me. Sometimes, they were so comfortable with me that they would say inappropriate things to me about how attractive another woman is and our boundaries became blurred because we acted more as friends than as partners. A friendship is important in partnership; however, partners and friends are different. We choose partners to live with, to possibly have children with and, to grow old together- this is not usually the outcome with friends.
A healthy partnership requires boundaries and I am done playing the role that I am okay with a broken boundary or disrespect when I am not. Playing along and not speaking up only leads to bitterness and resentment down the line.
4. The ‘settling- one’.
Maybe it’s because I’m an Aquarius but I believe in freedom and being with someone who enjoys my company, not someone that I have forced to be with me. I fully admit that I have previously fallen trap into the idea that love is jealous, mean and unkind when my intuition has always told me otherwise.
As women, we are raised with sayings like, ‘You need to keep him in check’, ‘He can look but make sure he knows where his home is’ or, ‘He’s a man, he is going to cheat’. Believing these sayings has caused me immense pain and suffering because they affirm that women should settle for less and expect less from men. I’m not sure why I believed these sayings because I was raised by strong women who believe the opposite of this. When I did implement these false sayings into my life, I would always regret sacrificing my self worth and integrity just to be in a relationship with someone who I probably shouldn’t have been with in the first place.
Once I found true love for myself, I released the need to be with another person. Particularly if that person is someone who doesn’t respect me, my values, my culture and what I believe in.
