9 Red flags of a Narcissist.

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I am not all-knowing. However, when I learn, I like to teach from a place of experience and wisdom. I have spent the last year and a half, studying and healing from narcissistic relationships as a result of being in many. Some in my love life, others in my family and work. 

It has been a journey and a continuous one. It has required self-reflection, growth and being willing to see how I played a part so that I can move forward from it. 

You see, every narcissist needs someone or something to provide them with a false sense of being and exaggerated self-worth because deep down, they feel unworthy. That is not the only thing that makes some a narcissist. I have provided a list below as to if you might be dealing with one so that you can get the professional that you need in order to move on with your life from this person. 

Here are 9 red flags of Narcissists: 

1. They love-bomb you one day and reject you the next. 

2. They have very little self-reflection. 

3. It is never their fault. You’ll find them blaming others for what they have done. 

4. They project their intentions onto you. For example, they cheat on you in relationship but then are jealous of the prospect of you cheating. 

5. You feel uneasy and used when (or after being) in their presence. 

6. They only speak ill of others. 

7. They choose careers where they are in the spotlight, like teaching, acting or dancing. Not all performers are narcissists but it does take a level of narcissism to want others to see you on a public level- it’s not bad to have a few narcissistic tendencies. 

8. They have difficulty apologizing. 

9. They lack empathy or compassion. Using phrases like, ‘You should’ve known better’ when you need confiding. 

4 More things that I am healing from generational trauma.

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In the past year, I have had the fortune to heal immensely and I am so grateful. I used to think that healing was about what I was going through at that time until I met my most recent partner, who had narcissistic tendencies. I spent some time blaming him until I had to understand how I had allowed it and what had led me to that point. 

As I started to delve deep into healing from that relationship, many things rushed to the surface and so my healing began. 

We are always in the process of healing; however, we can acknowledge the how we have healed up until now. 

Here are 4 generational traumas that I am healing from:

1. Thinking that femininity is weak. 

We place a lot of emphasis on male toxicity and it can be detrimental to society. However, we make it seem as though women or feminine energy is weak and incapable of destruction- this is not true. Divine feminine is very powerful and once we heal ourselves, we can tap into that energy that is one of surrendering, trusting and being led. 

I am proud to say that a lot of my energy is that of surrendering and allowing. I want a divine masculine energy to enter my life and take on a leadership role. So that we can create magic together, the divine feminine and the divine masculine. 

2. Leaving the female cult. 

I went to an All Girls’ School for most of my life and it was one of the worst experiences I have been through. I was bullied to think like others, told I was fat and when I behaved differently, I would be ridiculed. Going to this School introduced me to societal female cult that many of us promote without us acknowledging.

I, too, have been a bully and been an example of how a toxic feminine energy embodies herself and it was only until I accepted that I was a destructive force that I was able to change my ways. 

I have left the group thinking that women need to always stick together or that a woman can do no wrong because it allowed me to act harmfully and accept harmful behavior. 

3. Thinking that Mother’s are God’s gift to earth. 

If you had told me a year ago that I would choose to not have my Mother in my life, I would’ve asked you what is wrong with you. It’s interesting that my healing has led me to forgiving my parents and deciding to no longer have my Mother in my life. 

It seems like a harsh decision; however, there comes a time in our lives when we have to decide what is good for us and when we are done fighting and putting up with emotional abuse from others. 

As a society, we focus on the screw-ups of our Fathers but, are too afraid to admit the harsh truths of Mothers. Most are manipulative, unkind and are trying to have their children be how they want them to be and not how God wants them to be. The meanest things that anyone has ever said to me have come from my Mother’s mouth and that is why she has tried to keep me silent by manipulating me and portraying me as a bad person. However, I am so at peace with who I am and the decisions that I have made that I have forgiven, told my truth and I let it go. 

If we are really at peace with ourselves, we don’t need to force someone else to think a certain way. We love how we think and we love how others think. That is true love. 

4. Loving without conditions. 

I’ve briefly touched on this in former articles. I grew up in a culture that was raised to think that just because you go to a good school, are fed and dressed that you are loved. This is not true. A parents job is to do those things that I mentioned and I am sincerely grateful for it but using what we give to someone against them is not love; it is manipulation and guilt. 

I have had some great examples of love from other adults and from my Father. However, as an adult, I have had to re-learn love without conditions and have decided to shed the idea that forcing someone to think and act the way that I want them to is love. Love is patient and kind- not controlling. I am glad that I have been able to see this and can embody acceptance, kindness and truth as love. 

Please check out our courses here to elevate yourself and heal.

*This is a memoir-style and is not based on facts.

12 Things that I would rather be called other than mean.

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We all have faced some harshness and unkindness in our lives. I used to believe that this was normal so I was unkind and accepted behaviour in my life that was not positive, affirming and reassuring. 

Who knows why I used to settle for less than I deserved but I see it all around- people accepting unkindness and mean-spiritedness when we shouldn’t. About 4 years ago, I went through a culmination of different events that changed my perception of how I approach people and what I wanted to project to the world. Ever since then, I made a promise to myself to practice kindness as much as possible. I don’t always get it right but that doesn’t mean that I stop trying. 

Here are 12 things that I would rather be as opposed to mean: 

1. Kind.

2. Understanding.

3. Compassionate. 

4. Mature. 

5. Fulfilled. 

6. Loving. 

7. Happy. 

8. Joyful. 

9. Playful. 

10. Honest. 

11. Aligned. 

12. Purposeful. 

9 Affirmations that I remind myself when I see another woman succeed.

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I used to be very insecure and being confident in my own skin has not come easily. In fact, it has been one of the most challenging that I have to embrace because, in general, we are not raised to be at peace with ourselves. It is a societal condition to look at what someone has, looks or has done as better than yours. This thinking is toxic. My insecurity was so bad that it became unbearable to see other women succeed when I was insecure because I felt like if they did well; I wasn’t able to succeed too. 

I understand now that when someone else does well, it is a chance for me to celebrate them and me. It has taken me years and practice. And, I wish that I could credit it to one specific thing; however, it has been an holistic approach to wanting to be love and embody love. I have seen how jealousy, insecurity and envy has created destruction in my life and others- each day I choose to embrace confidence and inner confidence so that I can be at peace. 

Yes, I have come a long way. Here are 9 affirmations that I remember when another woman does well: 

1. Sometimes winning is being happy for someone else. 

2. There is enough for everyone. 

3. If she can do it, so can I. Vice versa.

4. Being together in peace is better than being separated by insecurity and hate. 

5. I won’t always be at the top and number 1. I am not meant to be. 

6. I want to compete for fun; not for self-destruction and misery. 

7. Recognizing someone else’s power helps me see my own. 

8. There is power in praising someone else’s work and what they have achieved. 

9. It feels good to be happy for myself and for others. We are all connected.

The 3 Things that I have learnt about users disguised as fake friends.

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Last year, 2019, was a monumental year. I went through one of the most transformative times in my life that came to me in the form of hardship. I began and ended a toxic relationship that highlighted how I had allowed unaccaptable behaviour in my life. 

This type of behaviour was not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships. Before I decided to acknowledge my own allowance, I allowed basically anyone into my life as a friend. Truthfully, I didn’t have enough confidence and trust in my intuition to acknowledge that I deserved friends who were sincere, kind, genuine, supportive and cared about my well-being. 

I am in a great place now with relationships and I feel fully supportive. I have gotten to this place by letting go of people who are the antithesis of what I want from a friend. 

Through this journey, I have learnt a few things about people who use friendship as a place to merely take from others. Here is 3 of them:

1. Their actions will show you that they don’t really care about you.

I recently let go of the last friend that wasn’t supportive towards me. I did so because when I would tell her stories about my former partner, she would defend him and gaslight me for how I felt. I couldn’t get a full sentence in without her telling me to give him the benefit of the doubt. In addition, when I befriended my ex in the recent past, she said that he was a nice friend to have, implying this because he is a successful DJ and Producer. 

That comment disappointed me because she knew how toxic his behaviour was towards me and didn’t even care if being friends with him would affect my overall well-being. My last straw was when I recently saw her and she was happy to tell me how she was; however, when I started speaking about myself, she looked at her phone and was completely unbothered by what I was saying. I asked if she could hear me and it became apparent to me that she wasn’t listening and had no desire to listen to me or genuinely ask how I am doing. 

I took this as a sign, before I would’ve questioned myself. But now, I listen to that inner voice that highlights people’s actions. She was only interested in our friendship because of who I was dating and now that I am single, she has disappeared. When I ask her where she has been or tell her that I feel like she is only around for her own interest, she makes up excuses for why she hasn’t been around. However, genuine friends are supportive throughout every season and don’t defend the person who is causing you pain. I have a wonderful group of amazing friends that I would prefer to focus on because I deserve relationships that thrive. 

2. They make you feel crazy for feeling how you feel. 

Have you ever been positive gaslighted? When you are going through something and a friend will tell you a generic saying like, ‘Well, it is what it is.’, ‘Be positive about it!’ Or, ‘You’ve got this!’ I used to think that someone telling me this meant that they cared; only to understand that sometimes when someone is not being genuine, they will throw out phrases to make it seem like they are so that they can keep using you or not take responsibility for their own actions. The common thread of the friends that I have disconnected from is that I didn’t feel their genuine love, I could tell that they weren’t listening when I was telling them stories or when I needed them, they were nowhere to be found. 

Friends should be there for the ups-and-downs; not only when they have to something to get from it. 

3. It is up to themselves to change their own behaviour. 

When I confronted these friends, I was met with phrases that made it seem like I am the drama. However (afterwards) they would say things like, ‘I wish you would’ve told me how you felt.’ Or, a fake apology where they say sorry at the moment and then keep behaving the same way. 

In a nutshell, people who use others might or might not be aware of what they are doing but it is not our jobs to figure this out. All that we can do is set our boundaries and if we get pushback or fake apologies, we focus on friendships and relationships that support us and make us feel loved. It is not our job to force people to change. We are all responsible for our lives and if people don’t take responsibility for their actions, we can’t make them. 

4 more things that I learnt about haters

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Whether we would like to admit it or not, there will always be someone hateful in our lives. It might be a friend, a family member, a roommate, a romantic partner, a business partner or even you.

Recently, I learnt a few more things about haters that I would like to share with you:

1. Hurt people hurt people

I found myself recently being a hater towards a Musician/DJ/Producer who would frequent a yoga studio that I used to teach at in Los Angeles. All of the hate that I had accumulated towards men, I had placed on him because it was easy. It was easy to hate a man who publicly isn’t the kindest to woman because he was the biggest target. He has a platform and millions of followers on Instagram. The hateful part of me was jealous that he could spread the message of tearing women down. I found myself saying nasty things about his character until one day, I realized that I didn’t even know him so how can I be so hateful towards him? I was so harsh on him and being harsh leads to hate. Hate is a burden that I don’t want to carry. So, I sent him an apology letter and wish him the best. I needed to look within myself to see what wasn’t healed. He is not responsible for something that other men have done to me. He doesn’t deserve to be the recipient of hate.

2. Not everyone will celebrate you.

Lately, I have come to terms with the fact that not everyone will be happy for my achievements because they don’t have to be. They don’t have to be happy for me. In addition, I have learnt that people who have nothing to celebrate in their own lives are more likely not to celebrate yours. People are dealing with themselves and their own lives, and usually how they feel about you has nothing to do with you. It is an extension of how they feel about themselves.

3. Not everyone wants the best for you.

In an ideal world, everyone is rooting for each other but that is not reality. The world we live in is full of love and light; however, there is hatred and darkness too. All of us make a daily choice of what we will choose to embrace each day and some people choose darkness and hatred. With darkness comes negativity, being mean, lies and wrongdoing. We cannot expect everyone to be at their best or to be rooting for us, we can only expect the best from ourselves. How other people choose to behave is how they have chosen to behave. If they see the light, great! If they don’t, great too! Life goes on.

4. It’s not personally.

Like I said before, people are dealing with themselves and not everyone knows how to overcome incompetence, Ego, self-hatred, betrayal and negativity. Most people will unleash it right onto someone else after it has happened to them. Even some of the most ‘personal’ attacks of hatred are an extension of where that person is at mentally, physically and emotionally, don’t take it personally. Everyone is at a different place in their lives and some are not inclined to be better people. Love them from a distance and let them go, they are not your problem to deal with or you will find yourself taking on someone else’s negativity, hurt and pain.

5 negative behaviours that I refuse to spend time on.

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When I look back on how I've dealt with difficult times in the past, I realize that I've spent a lot of wasted time on negative mindsets that haven't helped me progress. In fact, they did the opposite. I complicated many simple situations by overthinking, analyzing and ignoring signs that were right in front of me.

So I came up with a list of five negative behaviors that I wasted time indulging, and I won't waste time on them again:

1. Believing people who have insulted me.

We live in a wonderful world, but most of us have been hurt. People who have been hurt and cannot move past the hurt will try to hurt others, either intentionally or unintentionally. I've wasted a lot of time believing hurt people's insults, never realizing that people who were ready to insult me were ready to insult others too. Insults are rarely about the person who's being insulted; they're more about the person doing the insulting.

2. Convincing someone to love me.

I wasted time trying to convince a former partner of mine to love me. All that time spent waiting for him to call me back, hinting at him to buy me flowers and waiting for him to see how grateful he should've been to have me could've been spent on someone who genuinely appreciates me. Not only was I wasting time, but I was also subconsciously telling myself that I wasn't worth being loved. Ultimately, every single person is worth being loved.

3. Beating myself up about the past.

Whatever has happened is done. I used to spend a lot of time wanting to change what my behavior in the past. The clock moves forward, and wanting to change what has happened is impossible. All that time spent on looking in the past can be used to help me progress in my future. The future is something I can actually do something about.

4. Judging people on the decisions they've made.

I won't be happy with some people's decisions, and that's OK. I don't have to live with the consequences their own actions — they do. Time spent criticizing and judging someone else's decisions is time truly wasted. That time could have been used to help me progress in my own life. I can't control what others have done with their own lives, so there's no need to judge them based on my expectations and views on life.

5. Excusing selfish behavior.

I once had a friend who behaved in a way that seemed like she thought life was all about her. She would call me or want to see me only when she needed me to be there for her; however, when I asked the same from her, she would disappear. I wasted a lot of time convincing myself that she didn't intend to be selfish, and I excused her behavior because I feared losing a friend. After it all, I did lose her as a friend, and all that time I spent convincing myself that she wasn't being selfish could've been used on appreciating a friend who actually isn't selfish and gives me back what I give them.

5 words that you should remove from your vocabulary

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Words carry power, and I've found called myself names I thought I didn't mean, only to find out later that I did mean them. Because behind every word is intention.

If my intention is to be kind to myself and to others, then I have no reason to use the following words:

1. Stupid

We call ourselves, people and things stupid if they don't do what we want them to when we want them to. Releasing this word from your vocabulary allows you to accept things the way they are. Who are we to judge who someone is? What something is? And when something occurs?

2. Fat

If you're calling yourself and others this word, STOP! This word spreads pure hate. Do you want to contribute hate or love to this world? If you want to be a positive influence in this world, using this word will do the opposite of your intention.

3. Should

If things were meant to be a certain way, they would be that way. If you were meant to be with your former partner, you would be. If you were meant to be a millionaire, you would be one. If you were meant to have different parents, you would have different parents. You are exactly where you are meant to be, and you can use what you have to progress. Wishing things were different from how they are now will stop you from progressing successfully.

4. Hate

It isn't only a strong word, but a word that promotes negativity. Why focus on what's going wrong with your day and life, when you can focus on what's going right.

5. Loser

People have their own routes in this journey of life. Most of the time there isn't a winner and a loser because all of us have something to learn from life. If someone has decided to live life the way that they want to, which may seem bizarre to you and others, you aren't the judge of how and what they are meant to achieve. Have enough respect and consideration for people to let them live life the way they want, without them being fearful of labels and restrictions.

4 ways to work with The Universe

I had always believed that I had to be in control of everything in my life. It sounds impossible when put into words, but that's how I used to live my life until recently.

A few years ago, a few things were falling out of place and I had no idea what to do. I left one job to escape a problematic situation and started another job only to find myself facing an exaggeration of the same problem. I was in a relationship that felt like we were at war with one another because both of us wanted to be in control, and I had left a living situation with friends to live with a stranger in an arrangement filled with drama and turmoil.

It sounds clichéd, but one day I gave in. I found myself exhausted from trying to control everything when I was clearly unable to. This is what happened when I did decide to let go and let things take their course:

1. I stopped living in "when" and started living in "now."

I used to always say that I would be content when things would go my way. When I lose that weight or When I get that job or When I get that raise. I learned that living with expectance was not allowing me to appreciate the moment because I constantly wanted more. This created a cycle of my being unable to appreciate anything I had because I was so focused on wanting things to be the way that I wanted them to be.

Once I let go of the desire to have everything my way, I freed myself. I stopped driving myself crazy with wanting things to be different.

2. I started appreciating people.

When I let go of wanting people to respond or think the way that I had expected them to, it allowed me to appreciate the positive aspect of how diverse and unique we all are. People are allowed to be who they are. People will do things they want to; not how I want them to.

3. I learned a lesson from Nature.

The weather changes for a reason. It won't always be sunny; sometimes it will rain and if I love the sunshine as much as I do, I can appreciate the rain. It's helping me appreciate the sunshine because it reminds me that the Sun won't always be around. Just like life, there are some situations that may seem uncomfortable—sometimes even painful. However, these situations help us appreciate the situations that are joyful. When the joyful times come around, I remember when it wasn't joyful, which helps me appreciate it more.

4. I cried for a day and then got up the next day.

It was only natural for me to be sad or emotional when things weren't going my way; however, emotions don't lead to success—progressive actions do. I sobbed like a toddler who'd had a toy taken away from her, but then I got up and focused my energy on how to deal with the situation. I made a decision to take action because my emotions wouldn't get me as far as my actions would

15 reasons to forgive

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Every three months, I take a yoga challenge. I practice hot yoga for thirty consecutive days and I also give myself thirty reasons to forgive.

Here are fifteen of my favourite from my last challenge:

1. I forgive because holding onto judgements about myself and others only shackles my mind and soul to negativity.

2. I forgive because I want to remember more than what has been done wrong to me.

3. I forgive because we are all humans. Counting what is wrong with others will only bring me down, how long can I keep fighting for?

4. I forgive because I am not a victim. Anything that has been done to me was not under my control.

5. I forgive because I will not allow negative people and negative situations to have a hold over my life.

6. I forgive because today is too beautiful to be spent judging and scrutinizing people around me.

7. I forgive because if I don't move past offense, I will drive myself crazy.

8. I forgive because I don't expect people to be kind, I merely appreciate those who are. The only way that I can appreciate those who are kind, is by forgiving those who are unkind.

9. I forgive because what has happened, has happened. It is time to let it go.

10. I forgive because in this imperfect human body I am in no state to hold anything against anyone.

11. I forgive because I can't expect others to live by my expectations.

12. I forgive because I can't re-write the past and I don't want to.

13. I forgive because my sense of peace is not worth sacrificing over something that happened in the past.

14. I forgive because I want to wish others well- including those who have hurt me.

15. I forgive because I want to have hope. Hope is not obtained by holding onto what has gone wrong